Because I couldn't say it before

So I literally just came back from a play audition, and I need to say this to someone because I couldn't say it at the audition.

Yes I know I posted something earlier this evening, but I think this is good enough to write down, it is my journal after all.

I read for three different people tonight: one was a man, one was a woman sitting in a bar waiting for her date, and the third was an ex-pornstar. I seriously messed up the monologue I read for the guy and spent the next forty minutes without reading anything. But I listened to the others reading their parts, and there was one who dropped the f bomb. I sat and had fun wondering to myself what people would think if I read that part and actually said "Fuck him!"

Of course I was only imagining this because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be asked to read again. For some reason I mentioned to one of my friends that I'd like to read that, and she told me to say it with a straight face, so I obliged. I honestly have no qualms about cussing, I just don't tend to do it in public because cussing does not really have a place in polite conversation.

To my complete surprise, I was asked to read one of the three parts in the very play that I had been thinking about. I promptly asked the other two girls if I could read for this particular part (the character's name is Janet.) They said I could, and after reading through it once, the three of us took our places. I truly enjoyed shocking everyone in the vicinity when I clearly said "Fuck him!" Being viewed as a complete innocent has its good and bad points, this was one of the good points, getting to impress people with your "boldness". I then read the pornstar's part in the same scene. I made myself cry a little, and I think I impressed them again. A few minutes later, I was asked to read another speech for Janet, and I got an ovation, even from the guy directing the play. I didn't read again, but I was fine with that.

Just for the record, I do not have my heart set on any part, and I won't be bitter if I don't get a part, I haven't auditioned for anything since I was a sophmore in highschool, and before that since fourth grade.

Now after all that babbling, this is the point of this update. If I could choose any part, I would choose Janet. She is sitting in a bar waiting for a guy show up, a tedious and often hurtful task, I would know. I've never waited for a guy in a bar, but I have waited for a guy to come around, two actually. Thankfully, I no longer care, but I still remember what it was like. Waiting for a guy to come around or show up makes you vulnerable. Every time you think you've gotten one step closer, you feel elated, only to lose more than what you've just gained when you realized that you've taken three steps back rather than one step forward. It hurts, it makes you cry, it makes you feel like a victim, and you spend so much time hoping that he'll come around, that you miss out on other fun conversations that you could be having with your friends because your too busy crying about how much you want him to notice you.

For those of you who are going through this right now, I don't mean to be mean or disrespectful; I know all to well what it feels like. It took being stood up for a couple of cans of beer at a party to shove me out of it. To get back to the point I was trying to make, I would like to play Janet if I could because I remember clearly how she feels, and I think I could get that across pretty well.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rambling, I hope I didn't bore you too much.